Chasing the Dead

As mentioned in my previous post, after catching a bus to the airport at 2:30 a.m., and four different trains, I was in Oxford! Now I'm in Linköping, Sweden. My goodness how time flies and a back-log of living builds up. And traveling somewhere new certainly forces me to catch-up on my writing, lest experiences be lost to bright mornings and an imperfect mind.

Sunrise over Wolvercote Cemetary, Oxford

Sunday (12-19-16) morning I returned to Dublin from Galway and spent the afternoon re-packing and mentally preparing for my early morning flight to Birmingham. I was sufficiently tired from a restless night before that a 21:00 bedtime meant I was asleep by 22:00. Four hours of sleep later, it was time to wake up and catch a bus to the Dublin Airport for my 06:25 flight. The flight was uneventful, giving way to a hurriedly relaxed train into Birmingham and pleasant stroll to another nearby train station, where I would soon depart for Stratford upon Avon. One of the only disappointments in all of this was that I just missed an earlier train for Stratford-u-Avon and, thus, ended up having to take the train I originally planned on taking anyway. The other disappointment is that my tight train schedule did not allow any time to explore Birmingham, an undoubtedly exciting and lively city. But few things are more exciting than chasing the dead.

Shakespeare's birthplace -- This back section of the house was
built after William moved out and inherited the house from his father.
The people he leased the house to turned part of it into an inn and
needed more room for guests, hence the addition.

Essentially the sole reason for my five-hour stop in Stratford (as I'm sure it is for most who go there) was to pay homage to the greatest writer in the English Language -- William Shakespeare. Despite the distinctly touristy feel to the village, my traveler's and writer's heart exploded with joy at the chance to walk in the life of the great bard.

Holy Trinity Church, Stratford-upon-Avon.
The rectangle of rope demarcates what is believed
to be William Shakespeare's grave, inscribed with
a curse against any who might move its contents but not
a name. On the wall to the left is a monument to
Shakespeare built while his wife was still alive and
holds a statue that is believed to be one of the
most accurate physical likenesses of Shakespeare.

With only four hours before my train to Oxford, I had to be very conscious of the things I wanted to see. So, as anyone who only got four hours of sleep the night before would do, I stopped for a flat white and brownie at a great cafe right next to Shakespeare's birthplace. From there I went to the Shakespeare visitor's centre where I bought a ticket for admission to the visitor's centre museum, Shakespeare's birthplace, Hall's Croft (the home Shakespeare's daughter, Susanna, married to John Hall), and New Place (the site of Shakespeare's home where he wrote many of his later works and eventually died in 1616). I skipped Hall's Croft in favour of visiting Shakespeare's grave in Holy Trinity Church. Standing at the supposed burial place of someone quite probably known by every English-speaking person in the world--plus more--was a transcendental experience. I was transported back to the time of Shakespeare's death, where with Anne Hathaway I mourned the loss of one of the world's greatest playwrights. I Once more sat in my high school English class, discussing Macbeth or performing A Midsummer's Night Dream (I could almost feel Shakespeare rolling in his grave, at the thought of it), while simultaneously I was transported to almost any English classroom in the world where his works are read not just for their importance to the English language with coined phrases like 'crack of doom' (Macbeth) or  'wild-goose chase' (Romeo and Juliet), but also for the lessons and themes, like love and war, that are just as relevant today and, it seems, the world so desperately needs to be reminded of. Finally, after several glances over my shoulder, I left Shakespeare's burial place inspired by a world of literary greatness and with the hope that maybe some of it rubbed off on me. Judging from the progress I've made on my novel since leaving Stratford, (none) ...probably not.

Holy Trinity Church sanctuary knocker.
A fugitive could grab the ring and claim
safety for 37 days before facing trial.

I just had time for some lunch and tea at Hathaway Tea Rooms (no affiliation to Anne Hathaway's Cottage, which I didn't have time to see). Alas, my time in Stratford was too short. But if I had to leave it for anywhere else, it would be Oxford.

By the time I arrived in Oxford it was already dark. But I had too little time in Oxford to waste a moment. So immediately after dropping off bags at my hostel, I left to go explore the unfamiliar city by the glow of lamp posts that gave birth to a world. I am, of course, referring to the world of Narnia, created by author C.S. Lewis, who lived and worked in Oxford for much of his life. My first night in Oxford I was intent on making it to Magdalen College, where Lewis worked as a Fellow and Tutor of English from 1925-1954. However, since it was already late, all university buildings were closed to the public. Instead I wandered around the streets of Oxford, taking in the vibrant student life around me and enjoying the jagged outlines of ancient buildings lit by lamp posts and Christmas lights. As I walked under the Bridge of Sighs a small tour group passed me going the other way. The tour guide stopped briefly to motion down a narrow, dark alley and mention a famous pub at the end of it: The Turf. So down the narrow, dark alley I wandered to a pub I would have otherwise had no idea existed. A wonderful pint of cider later, I walked to my hostel, challenging myself to check the map on my phone as few times as possible. I made it back without needing to check it once. I spent the rest of the night blogging and figuring out how to fit everything I wanted to see into half a day.

From University Church of
St. Mary the Virgin

If you know me, you probably know I'm a massive J.R.R. Tolkien fan. I learned Tengwar and designed my own Tolkienesque signature, for Pippin's sake. So visiting Oxford, where Tolkien studied from 1911-1915 and lived and worked from 1925 until his death in 1973, was like entering Aman--the Undying Lands. At 08:00 on Tuesday morning I was waiting for the front desk to open so I could check out of my hostel and avoid wasting time by having to come back. By 08:11 I was on a bus out to Wolvercote Cemetery to visit the grave of Beren and Luthien--John Ronald Reuel and Edith Tolkien. I hadn't even given myself time to eat breakfast but I had lembas to keep me going. I stepped off the bus, into the cemetery, and immediately felt a sense of peace I haven't felt for years, if ever. The only other person there was somebody mowing the lawn, but such an inner-serenity had enveloped me I didn't hear it; I only smelled the freshly cut grass and felt a comforting chill as the winter sun crept slowly over the trees. I would have liked to spend half the day there, wandering between row upon row of headstones until I found the one grave I was looking for. Unfortunately, time was not on my side as it is with the Quendi, so I consulted Mandos (Google) and found what I was looking for in the blink of an ent (it took an ent's blink as opposed to a hobbit's blink because Google wasn't very precise). Standing at Tolkien's grave, feeling so close to a person who has inspired me in writing, reading, and the field of Linguistics, yet, knowing he's been dead over 40 years, feeling more distant than if I were to read The Hobbit--it felt strange, but at the same time was the most amazing part of my time in Oxford. More amazing, even, than touring the Divinity School where scenes from Harry Potter were filmed (Hospital Wing in Philosopher's Stone and the dancing lesson in Goblet of Fire) or the ancient Bodleian Library, which holds many original Tolkien manuscripts (unavailable for public viewing) and was used as the Hogwarts Library in the Harry Potter films, or the Christ Church staircase, which similarly served as the entrance to the Hogwarts Great Hall. More amazing than ascending the tower of the University Church of St Mary the Virgin and getting a 360 degree view of Oxford. But with 360 degrees you only recognize your immediate surroundings. Standing at the Tolkien grave, I recognized my immediate surroundings and felt a deep sadness for our beautiful world filled with divisiveness and unimaginable tragedy (two World Wars in Tolkien's time, the current conflict in Syria); I recognized this world and the fictional world of Arda, where the incredible love story of Beren and Luthien took place; I recognized my own present, an uninterrupted moment of peace after three days of non-stop traveling; the past of those I came to honour, whose strong and loving relationship make them the only ones worthy of the fictional names engraved upon their headstone; the future I dream of, free from the hate and darkness sown in the hearts of men by Morgoth. All of this and more is what I experienced in ten brief minutes I spent in Wolvercote Cemetery.

Magdalen College, Grove Building,
 next to River Cherwell, taken from
Addison's Walk

Magdalen Chapel

The only thing that even comes close to my time at Tolkien's grave is a visit to Magdalen College. It was particularly significant because I did not have time to visit C.S. Lewis' grave. After breakfast, University Church Tower, Bodleian Library, Christ Church, and lunch I only had an hour and a half before my train left for London. It would take at least 20 minutes to get to the train station, and I still wanted to stop at The Eagle and Child, a pub where the Inklings frequently met. I needed to make the most of the time I had left. It helped that I got into Magdalen College for free with my University of Edinburgh student ID. Admission is typically £6 so I guess my 'other' ancient university education is worth something. Then, actually walking through the architecturally stunning Magdalen College, where C.S. Lewis would have spent much of his time, was a pensive experience. An atheist since the age of 15, Lewis rediscovered his Christian faith at the age of 32 while at Magdalen College. His return to religion is, in part, attributed to talking and walking with his friend J.R.R. Tolkien on nearby Addison's Walk. Though Lewis may say otherwise in Mere Christianity (I haven't read it), I expect the beautiful Magdalen College Chapel might have something to do with it, too. Apart from Lewis' theological works, exploring Magdalen College brought me closer to one of my favourite book series growing up, The Chronicles of Narnia. If only I could have spent hours at Magdalen College and returned to the outside world to discover only a few seconds had passed. I didn't pass through any magic wardrobes, though, so off I rushed to The Eagle and Child, where I gulped down a mulled cider and stood in awe of the corner where the Inklings met and their discussions gave shape to books like The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia.

This post is long enough and way over-due so I'll stop here and continue with my adventures through London and Norway in the next post. Until then...

Stay Informed.

A Sense of Fulcomplishment

After catching a bus to the airport at 2:30 a.m. and four different trains, I'm in Oxford! But you'll have to wait until my next post for more on that. First, I need to wrap up my time in Ireland.

Though my weekend in Galway was absolutely amazing, I can't help but feel I failed to maximise my experience there. Sure, travelling is about appreciating stunning landscapes, revelling in structures hundreds or even thousands of years old, and acquiring as many followers on Instagram as you can (speaking of which, check out @circasolis and @karikoalatravels). And I succeeded in that, I think. But, more importantly, travelling is about broadening your horizons and stepping out of your comfort zone. Apart from capturing the broadest of horizons from the Cliffs of Moher....

I feel like that didn't happen. There were times during my stay in Galway that I felt uncomfortable, as my previous post mentions, but not because I was challenging myself purposefully; the discomfort in The Weight of it all was due to anxiety and a brief existential crisis concerning my plans for the future and the state of the world. But the feelings of anxiety passed and left me feeling excited for and entirely comfortable with my plans to tour The Burren and the Cliffs of Moher on Saturday (17/12/16).

Similar to my adventures in Iceland, I booked a seat on a large tour bus going round to most of the major attractions around Galway. You can't tell because this is written text, but there is some bitterness in my voice when I type "large tour bus." This inner voice thinks seeing the sights from a gas-guzzling machine born of capitalism and tourism goes against what it means to be a traveller -- forging your own path, embracing the unconventional and unique, learning as much about yourself and the world as you can. This part of me would have preferred to use local transportation to get from point-A to point-B, or, better yet, rent a car and drive myself to only and all the things I wanted to see. Renting a car would be far riskier, which is kind of the point. But considering I'd have to quickly adjust to driving on the left side of the road and learn to navigate unfamiliar roads on my own in the very short time I had in Galway, this idealistic approach to travel was completely impractical and in reality a lot more expensive than the £18 I paid for my tour ticket. Even using the local transportation would have ended up being more expensive and would have severely limited which landmarks I had access to. So, in retrospect, the tour bus wasn't so bad. I learned many interesting facts from the guide that I wouldn't have otherwise, and--ironically--a lot about myself and what it means to be a traveller through the learning and growth (and crashing and burning and dying) that didn't happen but would have had I rented a car: it doesn't much matter how you accomplish your (ethical and plausible) goals so much as simply accomplishing them and feeling a sense of fulcomplishment in doing so (not a typo, blend of fulfillment-accomplishment).

Dunguaitr Castle, Kinvara

Doorty Cross, Kilfenora

So, what is it I actually did to feel fulcomplished about? In addition to some pretty rad photography skills--highlighted here to summarise the most interesting landmarks--I learned a bit about Irish history, customs, and folklore. These are things that I feel I can incorporate into future writing projects, or at least they give me a higher appreciation for Irish works of fiction and non-fiction I've read. Also, after hiking around Dublin for three days and hardly leaving urbanised Edinburgh for the three months before that, it felt good to get out into nature--true nature--where there's nothing but rocks, cows, and your fellow bus-travellers for miles or where you not so much hear the constant roar of waves crashing against magnificently layered geological features, but feel each breaking wave's ceaseless, patient, battle against something immense but fragile, beautiful but deadly.

Cliffs of Moher

O'Brien's Tower

After a successful day of sight-seeing, though tired, I was feeling bold enough to go out for a drink, perhaps with a group of students staying at the hostel. Unable to work up the courage to join a group, but still determined to go out for a drink at an extremely Irish bar, I ended up going alone. Now that I'm a Guinness expert after visiting the Guinness Storehouse (see previous post), I did enjoy my beer. And the traditional Irish music was pretty good, too. But I was otherwise so extremely uncomfortable--jostled around in an extremely crowded bar, surrounded by other patrons smartly dressed in their best Christmas jumpers--that all I wanted to do was finish my beer as quickly as possible and get the heck out of there... which I did.

Though I'm not giving up all hope of achieving semi-functional social interaction with complete strangers, this experience reinforced that maybe bar-hopping solo just isn't for me. I would be much happier just sitting on a bench by the water staring up at the stars. Which brings me to the conclusion of this post: whatever you do, whatever goals you have, and however you go about fulcomplishing them, don't force or try to over complicate things. As clichéd as it sounds, just be true to who you are (or who you want to be) and, each and every moment, (try to) be happy as if you just watched the subtlest, most beautiful sunset of your life.

I returned to Dublin on yesterday morning and spent most of the afternoon preparing for my early early flight this morning. Now, after catching a bus to the airport at 2:30 a.m. and four different trains, I'm in Oxford! But you'll have to wait until my next post for more on that.  Because after three days, two nights, and a total of just over seven hours of sleep, I'm going to bed. But I wouldn't take back those lost hours of sleep for anything because they were spent traveling... Around the Sun.

Stay informed. -NLD

The Weight of it all

Tuesday morning I woke up bright and early to catch a bus to the airport. Security was a breeze, my bag fit in the overhead bin, and I even managed a short nap on the plane to Dublin. But smooth sailing isn't exciting. So how 'bout I unpack a few weighty issues? The first weighs in at only a minor inconvenience--a bulky backpack and laptop case stuffed to seams' limit aren't much fun to carry around. But that didn't stop me from walking 10km, visiting landmarks like Trinity College, Oscar Wilde's birth place and childhood home, the National Gallery of Ireland, and several cafés. I stuck mostly to big chain coffeehouses (including, I'm ashamed to say, a Starbucks) because I would have felt awkward bringing aforementioned bulky bags into small local cafés. 

Ha'penny Bridge (16-12-16)

Samuel Beckett Bridge (13-12-16)

Upon exiting a coffeehouse on Grafton Street (one of two main shopping streets in Dublin), a second far weightier issue greeted me--a thin young woman wearing a bright orange shirt. (No, it's not what you think.) Though I do not hesitate to compliment her on her looks, she was very clearly attempting to elicit donations from passersby and I initially made to walk past without acknowledging her. But hearing her say, "It's okay. I'd walk right by, too,"--not resentfully, but honestly and understandingly--made me stop. Here she was, spending her evening standing out in the cold being given a cold-shoulder by countless tourists. She at least deserved to be heard out. Plus, I didn't have much else to do until my friend I was staying with got off work in an hour. So I stopped to talk to her. Twenty minutes of chatting about where we're from, what we're doing in Dublin, how we came to be there, and recommendations of things to do went by before she even mentioned the organisation name on her bright orange shirt: World Vision. I'll let you do your own research into who they are and what they do, but after hearing what she had to say, instead of donating, I promised I would mention them in my blog. So there it is. And there I was. And here I am, enjoying a month of traveling around Europe, visiting friends and family, occasionally being stopped by young idealistic employees with kindness in their hearts and a desire to do good in the world. But here's the weighty bit: The world is burning. The humanitarian crisis in Syria. Donald Trump's Cabinet of billionaires, bigots, and climate-change-deniers. It makes my own current social anxiety--sitting (alone) on a comfortable hostel-lounge couch, surrounded by other young travellers (judging me for sitting solemnly staring at my laptop) having a wonderful time drinking (and me thinking they think I'm annoyed at them [when, really, I'm not]) and laughing (at me) with their friends--seem so insignificant. But, still, the thoughts of my close acquaintance Anxiety, given in parentheses above, weigh me down.

And when something weighs you down, dragging you below the water's surface, you throw it off--if only temporarily, as easy as that is to write and as hard as it is to actually do--until you're back safe on land and can unpack its contents piece by piece. Now, not to brush off the current state of the world and the seriousness of anxiety, but how about I drag this blog post out of the murky depths and back onto the sturdy ground of pleasant description?

Dublin Castle, Record Tower and Chapel Royal

Christ Church Cathedral

St. Patrick's Cathedral

On Wednesday I went to the Chester Beatty Library, Dublin Castle, and Dublin Writer's Museum. The first two were grand but the last I could have skipped. I also walked along O'Connell Street, enjoyed the day's last rays striking St. Patrick's and Christ Church Cathedrals, and had a pint at Ireland's oldest pub, The Brazen Head, est. 1198. I felt very touristy, but, remember, I'm a traveller. That night, not satisfied being able to see Rogue One: A Star Wars Story a day before everyone back home, I had to see it before the majority of people in the UK, too; so I went to the midnight premier. I'm not going to give a full review, but I will say that I really liked it.

St. Audoen's Church, en-route to Guinness

Thursday was devoted to sleeping in and walking to and exploring the Guinness Storehouse. Holy hops and barley that place is massive! The €20 ticket, which included a complimentary drink, was well worth the price. I'd say it's a must for any 18+'s visit to Dublin.

Today I made the bus ride from Dublin to Galway and spent most of the day wandering around along the quays, searching frantically for a toilet, then returning to the quays to enjoy the sunset over a rising tide. After checking in at my hostel, then a quick pass through Galway's Christmas Market (yes, another Christmas Market!) and Galway's Latin Quarter, I returned to the hostel to write this post. Now it's much later than I anticipated and I should think about getting to sleep so I'm rested for exploring the Cliffs of Moher tomorrow.

Stay informed. -NLD

Dishoom and Glasgow and Markets! Oh my!

You'd think finishing all your coursework and not having any exams in December would be great! And it is! Except that it isn't... With nothing to officially hand in until January, it's very hard to maintain motivation. Not just for the literature review I have due in January, but--more importantly--revising course materials I did not fully grasp. Because the five or six exams I'll have in May are going to come awfully quick. Coursework aside, there are many other things I'd like to accomplish over the holiday, such as read the (for fun) books on my shelf and/or edit another couple chapters of my novel. But watching Netflix is so much easier.

I very much doubt you're interested in my lack of motivation or even what I'm currently watching on Netflix (RuPaul's Drag Race). The reason the paragraph above exists is so you can judge me--or I can imagine you judging me--which (I hope) will motivate me to actually do the things I said I want to do. But I don't want that to be the focus of this post, so here are some highlights from the past week:

Sunrise Over Waverley

On Friday night I went to the soft opening of Dishoom, a new Indian restaurant in town, with a group of friends. Now, I'm not a huge foodie or a big fan of typographical exclamation but, HOLY EXPLETIVE THAT WAS THE BEST DINING EXPERIENCE I'VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! We queued outside the restaurant for about an hour, throughout which headsetted staff came around with trays of warm chai and Sherry, free of charge. Once inside, we were handed a table pager and directed to the bar downstairs. The table pager's ID could be used to open a tab, which would be added to the final bill after dinner. The hour of fantastic cocktails, conversation, and anticipation flew by. The pager flashed and buzzed. We sashayed to the elevator and were whisked into it by another headsetted staff member, who, as the elevator door closed, we heard say into her headset, "Party of six, approaching the dining room. I repeat, party of six, approaching the dining room!" We were seated at our table just over two hours after joining the queue. Our server's small-talk game was strong, incredibly friendly, and showed zero signs of stress considering how busy the restaurant was. Each family-style plate came out as it was ready. I didn't realise how bland the food I'd been eating for the past two months was until the explosion of flavours and spices in every perfectly-cooked bite at Dishoom. We knew coming in that everything on the menu was half-price for the soft open. But when our server brought the bill, he surprised us by saying he'd taken off the round of drinks we had downstairs. In summary:

Total wait time: 2 hours, 10 minutes

12 drinks, 6 appetizers/sides, 6 mains: £11 + tip, per person

Sharing an evening of delicious food with amazing friends: Priceless

The next day, most of the Dishoom group woke up bright and early for a day-trip to Glasgow. There was a little confusion over bus tickets and I ended up paying slightly more than I would have had I gotten tickets online instead of at the bus station, but a round-trip ticket was still only £11 and everyone ended up on the same bus in the end. Alongside photo-bombing basic white girl selfies, discussions of typical television shows in Germany and the U.S., and glaring at anyone who tried to use the on-bus toilet, it was all just part of the experience.

We didn't really have any plans or specific things to see in Glasgow apart from the Christmas Market so for the first hour we wandered around the main shopping streets. It surprised us how much bigger Glasgow actually is and feels compared to Edinburgh. Glasgow-proper has a population just over 600,000 whereas Edinburgh is only 464,000. The entire metro area populations for Glasgow and Edinburgh are 2.3 million and 1.3 million, respectively (Wikipedia).

After lunch at a place called "Bread Meats Bread," we wandered a while longer before settling on a visit to the Gallery of Modern Art (GoMA). Entrance is free and we were lucky enough to get a free tour. The art itself wasn't all that great--probably because I just don't get it--but the building was impressive and has a rich history. At the end of the tour, our guide informed us of a gallery opening that evening and encouraged us to attend, if only for the free glass of wine. We did end up going, had our free glass of wine and a lovely chat with the artist's father. But throughout the whole thing I felt rather out of place. I could appreciate the time that must have gone into creating the pieces, but, standing next to a real artsy-type person praising a pair of underpants splattered with paint and draped from a canvas... I just don't get it.

GoMA - the Statue in front is of the Duke of Wellington.
The cone on his head is an icon and tradition of Glasgow
representing the humour of its people.

Glasgow Christmas Market

Other Glasgow highlights include a stroll along River Clyde and an evening at the Christmas Market. As enjoyable as the Glasgow Christmas Market is, I think it pales in comparison to the Edinburgh Christmas Market. Both have fantastic food and tasty treats--the food at the Glasgow one might even be a little better--but Edinburgh's Christmas Market is simply so much larger.

One thing's for sure: the Scots know how to get in the Christmas Spirit. And, judging from the four times I've been to Christmas Markets in the last week, I'd say I'm right at home.

I've an exciting month of travelling and good food ahead, so--just like my waistline--this blog will be bursting at the seams.

Stay informed. -NLD

Don't Stop Digging

It's been just under a month since my last post. Considering the content of said post, it may have been prudent of me to post a follow-up for anyone concerned. While this past month has definitely had its few ups and mostly downs, I just want to assure everyone that I am happy, healthy, and doing well.

Though an entire month has passed, there are only a couple things I want to write about: (1) The election from the perspective of an American abroad and (2) the literal month's-worth of coursework I only yesterday finished slogging through.

Diving right in: I'm not a very political person but this election had such a sweeping effect on me that excluding a discussion of it would misrepresent my month and be an injustice to the current state of the United States of America. When I say "sweeping effect" I mean that this election pulled my feet out from under me, battered me over the head with a spiked club, and then swept what was left of me into the corner with the shattered beer bottles and annihilated hopes for the future.

At 11pm GMT on the night of 8 November, I blithely gathered at the Edinburgh Uni student union with friends for a couple drinks and to watch the CNN live stream for a couple hours until Hilary won Florida and North Carolina, after which I'd comfortably go to bed and feel refreshed for lecture at 10am and at least four more years of social, economic, and scientific progress. A couple drinks turned into, "What the f*** is happening?! I need another drink." A couple hours of waiting for results from FL and NC turned into staring, gaping at "too close to call" for four hours until, finally, around 4am, Trump was declared the winner in both FL and NC. By that time the pub we were in was no longer serving alcohol. So I went home to huddle under the covers of my bed and watch the CNN live stream until I could no longer keep my eyes open. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep but at 6:30am I woke up into a nightmare; Trump had just clinched Pennsylvania and a Trump Presidency seemed assured.

I skipped lecture that morning to sleep until 11. But even after a decent amount of sleep I felt drained--physically and emotionally. It literally felt as if someone close to me had just died. And I remember thinking: My country just had. I was told, "I'm so sorry" by more than one of my European colleagues here. All I wanted to do was hide in my room, feeling ashamed to be an American. I was--and still am--scared for the future. But we keep moving forward.

However much the rhetoric and fear-mongering Trump spewed during his campaign has incited the wave of racism, bigotry, and prejudice crashing across the country, I think that, now faced with actually being President, Trump truly wants to do a good job. Yes, I may disagree with the direction Trump seems to be taking the country, judging from many of the people he has appointed to his transition team; but I think he does have America's best interest at heart. The problem is, the America Trump inhabits and the America the rest of us inhabit seem to be two completely different things. Which means that we have to do everything we can to oppose the things that go against the rights, happiness, and safety of EVERY American and push back to preserve the progress that has been made in, to name a few, human rights and sustainable energy. I don't have the answers. But things we all can do are contact local and state representatives, VOTE in upcoming elections (if you're over 18), and--if you are able and willing--donate to organizations that will work to protect the rights of marginalised groups, health of this planet, and futures of our children. Above all, we can LOVE one another and have HOPE for a better tomorrow!

As an American abroad, I'm doing everything I can to spread love, understanding, and friendship in an attempt to represent the country I call home; the country I know deep down is full of kind, caring, and compassionate people. On my quest to paint a better image of Americans than what you might see on the news, I've met so many diverse and wonderful people! Three such people are a couple and their friend, all from Glasgow, who I met during my first week in Edinburgh, waaayyy back in September. I was meeting another friend for drinks and pub quiz and these three were sitting at the table next to us. Their humour was a bit raunchy, the (lesbian) couple was tattooed and pierced to the gills, they smoked about a pack of cigarettes in the three hours we talked to them, and they were about the nicest people you could meet. After a pub quiz question regarding a bit of Edinburgh history, they told us a story from a time when what's now the nice part of Edinburgh was a disease- and thief-ridden slum, poorly maintained and walled off from the rest of the city. This part of town was so poorly maintained buildings would frequently collapse. One such collapse trapped a young boy inside for over two days. The workers were just about to give up any hope of finding survivors when they heard the young boy call out, "Don't stop digging, lads! I'm not dead yet."

I don't know how much or even if any of it is true, but that story has stuck with me. I've had the title for this post in my drafts since that night. I just didn't have any good content to put under it. Until now. The story of that young boy has helped me get through this past month. It gave me hope even when things seemed at their worst. It gives me hope that, no matter how much damage a Trump administration does, no matter how much it seems like the world is collapsing around us, there is hope. You just have to keep digging for the love and kindness that I know is in each and every one of us. It might take a pick axe to shatter ignorance, which could just bring more rubble crashing down around us. But, ultimately, love and hope will triumph in the end. It's that love and hope that has kept me going.

On top of election fallout, I've had a month of coursework to keep me good and stressed. I took it a day at a time. And in moments when it felt overwhelming, I took a breath, looked up from my studies to appreciate where I am--FREAKING AMAZING EDINBURGH! And at times when I felt like I was drowning, I remembered a young boy shouting out for help and told myself to just keep digging. I'm not dead yet. And it'll all be worth it in the end.

Well, this post has gone on long enough. And even though it's no longer Thanksgiving here, it still is where many of you will be reading this. So Happy Thanksgiving! Take today and every day to be thankful for the opportunities and people in your life. Be merry! Be safe! LOVE! And don't stop digging.

Stay informed. -NLD

On Meeting Charlie McDonnell and How Anxiety Ruined it for Me

It happened. The twitchy eyelid came back with a vengeance. All thanks to back-to-back nights of staying up late working on Machine Learning Practical coursework. But you'll notice this blog post isn't titled "Revenge of the Twitchy Eyelid" because there's something much more important to write about.

I. Met. Charlie. McDonnell! (AKA charlieissocoollike, YouTube personality and superstar! At least that's how my inner 12-year-old self viewed and still views him.)

"You've just had the almost imponderable joy of [meeting]
charlieissocoollike, which makes you, like, cool!"

He was in Edinburgh doing a book-signing for his new book, Fun Science. I only just found out it was happening--and, to be honest, that he'd even written a book--on Monday. But as soon as I saw the event on Facebook, I purchased my ticket. I spent the rest of the week reacquainting myself with all of Charlie's old videos and enjoying many of the new ones he's posted since--gosh--probably my senior year in high school. Here's one of my favourites:

Rewatching his videos confirmed in my mind that Charlie McDonnell is one of the coolest, funniest, and wisest young-people-around-my-age. So, after meeting Charlie, getting a signed copy of his book, and taking a picture with him... why do I feel like shit?

Sure, the whole process of meeting Charlie was very rushed. But that's the sort of thing one should expect when attending a book signing. So from where does my disappointment stem? Certainly not having to deal with the rest of his fans; they were all courteous, patient, and, overall, lovely people. And one of them was my friend who I hadn't seen since My First Week in Edinburgh, Part II. And though I struggled to come up with something to say as Charlie wrote in the front cover of my book, he absorbed my stuttered remarks with grace and charm.

This all seems great! Why am I being such a downer?

As I stated in Living in a Fantasy World, this blog isn't meant to be just the exciting, wonderful experiences that go along with traveling or living in an amazing city like Edinburgh (though I do hope I've managed to fit some of that in here, too); it's also my journal, with which I can delve into the less glamorous aspects of living abroad to show you that it's not all beautiful sunrises and taking pictures with celebrities. Living and studying abroad is also working yourself to the point of exhaustion and an incessantly twitching eyelid, or confronting parts of yourself that you'd rather not see or thought you'd left behind with your high school years. Therein may lie a cause of my current mood.

Like I said, before this week I don't think I'd watched a charlieissocoollike video since high school. Seeing and meeting Charlie today transported me (mostly unconsciously) back to those relatively unstable years of my life. The instability and dark times I experienced then are partially what drew me to charlieissocoollike. Charlie cheered me up. And, though he lived 4,000 miles away and only spoke to me through YouTube, Charlie felt like a real and genuine person--a true friend. And as far as I can tell, he's based his entire online presence on being genuine and true.

And that struck a chord with me. I saw/see myself in Charlie--the shy but enthusiastic, more than slightly awkward kid making random videos for YouTube, wanting people to like him and feeling good when it seems they do but at the same time feeling sad that he only ever did it so people would like him (which, really, is probably a big part of why anyone does anything) but still we blame ourselves for having this so very human quality and drown in anxious thoughts of what people think of me and why I'm not being the best me I can be. But, of course, we all know that the best thing we can do in this world is make other people happy by doing what makes us happy. So why am I not happy to have met this person I feel such a connection to?

The comparison of myself to Charlie went much too far when I got angry at myself for not wearing my glasses, or my pair of brownish-yellow trousers, or my dark long-sleeve shirt to the book-signing because of course that's what Charlie would wear and I should have known so we could be #twinning.

But I am not Charlie McDonnell. As much as I secretly hope to one day be a published author and have my own book-signings to attend, I am not Charlie McDonnell. Nor do I want to be. I am me. The trouble, though, is figuring out who me is and what me wants. You'd think somebody almost a full semester into their Master's in Informatics would have their life pretty well sorted, what with the variety of sorting algorithms at our disposal. But there is no sorting algorithm for life. So I'm here to say that I have no clue what I want to do with my life and that I think hardly anyone ever does.

Don't get me wrong, I do very much enjoy my coursework and most certainly wouldn't have made it this far in Computer Science/Informatics if didn't. But I can't help but wonder if maybe there's something I would enjoy doing more (like writing!) or if I enjoy my studies for the wrong reasons. I enjoy being busy because being busy leaves little time to be anxious or worry about what people think of me. And as a Master's student at the University of Edinburgh, I am very VERY busy.

But the worry still creeps into my life. As an example, a few weeks ago on a Friday, I didn't have much of a lunch between lectures. So by 6pm I was pretty hungry. I checked my phone for restaurants I hadn't been to before and picked out a fairly trendy, well-reviewed Indian restaurant. I left my flat, walked to this restaurant, and as I stood outside looking at the menu on the door, I was overcome by an irrational, mind-crushing anxiety.  My thought process went something like this: "It's so busy. I would be that person eating alone. Oh, god I have no friends. Neal, you're being silly. Just go in and ask what the wait time is. And you've eaten alone at plenty of restaurants before now. But I wouldn't want to take a table just to myself when they're so busy. Maybe I'll just go try somewhere else." And so I did--go try somewhere else--three times, before I finally gave up. After walking around for nearly half an hour, I ended up going back to my flat, without having eaten anything, to work on coursework until 10pm, at which point I was REALLY hungry. Eventually I worked up the courage to run round the corner for a chicken shawarma wrap. So that's me.

For this next bit I'll rely on another Charlie video:

Like Charlie, I suffer from anxiety and at times in my life have suffered from depression. I haven't been officially diagnosed but it's been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. And I cope with it by keeping myself so busy I forget it's there, which itself probably isn't a very healthy coping mechanism but it works for me. And on the occasion my anxiety does rear its ugly head, I find writing to be therapeutic. Hence, this blog post.

So, back to why I am not happy to have met Charlie: I am happy to have met Charlie! Ecstatic, even! It was a very great pleasure and an amazing opportunity I do not take for granted. But when I met Charlie in real life--in the screwed-up, paradoxical way that only anxiety can manage--the realness of the connection I felt with Charlie when I watched his videos was ruined. However much of his authentic self he puts in his videos, they are still just videos presented to me via YouTube. And when that medium barrier was broken yesterday, it broke something inside me too. When I stood next to Charlie as we had our picture taken, I glanced away from camera to look at the queue of people still waiting for the same opportunity. In that moment, I think my idea that I could be or was actually friends with this famous YouTuber became a disillusioned one.

But this isn't Charlie's or YouTube's fault; it's anxiety's. Anxiety is the reason I've had to write a 1,797-word blog post (much of it written at 3am) just to regain some sense of normality and allow myself to process the fact that I met one of my childhood idols yesterday. And in doing so, I've realized that the Charlie I met yesterday is still the same Charlie in his charlieissocoollike videos. It's just that, because his YouTube self is the first version of him I felt a connection to, meeting Charlie in-person felt more distant. And because I've been conditioned to treat meeting a celebrity as the pinnacle of showing your fan-dom, the distance I felt yesterday shattered the relationship I thought I had with YouTube Charlie. But, of course, two minutes of awkwardly standing there while someone signs a piece of paper and takes a picture with you is not a true representation of that person. So instead I just think of how helpful Charlie's videos were during my formative years in high school and how I will always appreciate that and everything Charlie does for science education, entertainment, and just being an exemplary human being.

So in true charlieissocoollike-style, here's my attempt at a concluding nugget of wisdom and positive note to end on: Don't compare yourself to other people, but especially celebrities; you are flawed and perfect enough just the way you are. And don't worry if you don't have life completely figured out just yet. That's something that just takes time, trying different things, and several mistakes. But eventually, I think, everyone is able to find what is most fulfilling for them, what makes them the best version of them, and what makes people happy (themselves included!). Things like anxiety and depression can get in the way of that so it's important to state those things for what they are--an illness that can be treated. And if you suffer from anxiety and/or depression, you are not alone and I hope this blog post is helpful to you.

Whether you know me personally or not and whether my anxiety is new, old, or even relevant information to you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this and hope that you have a wonderful day!

Stay informed. -NLD

A Twitchy Eyelid

Sorry it's been a while since my last post, but up until about a week ago my life could be summarised by this post's title. Too many long hours spent reading in the library and/or staring at a computer screen, the stress of coursework ramping up, and lack of sleep due to a mild cold--it all added up and manifested itself as a twitch in my left eyelid every minute or so for over two weeks. It's gone now *knock on wood*.

Even though my last post was over a month ago, there really isn't much  for me to talk about. But I'll give you the highlights: Just a few days after my last post, all those weeks ago, I went to the Edinburgh Zoo. It's a fantastic zoo! I got to meet the highest ranking penguin in the Norwegian military, and came face-to-face with a Sumatran tiger.

Brigadier Sir Nils Olav, mascot and
Colonel-in-Chief of the Norwegian King's Guard

Sumatran Tiger at the Edinburgh Zoo

Victorious! Taken from the top
of Arthur's Seat at 22:51

My only other adventure has been making butternut squash soup with a group of friends and going on a night-hike up Arthur's seat. The soup was delicious and warm and the hike was eerily beautiful and very cold.

The only other excitement in my life is going to pub quiz with friends and obsessing over one of our professors. Other than that, it's pretty much just been the daily grind of lectures, tutorials, coursework, eat, sleep, repeat. Overall my modules (classes) are going very well and I'd say they are a good mix of challenging, interesting, and useful. But there have been times, especially in the last couple weeks, when I feel as if I'm about to drown in the amount of work I have to do. But I just take one day at a time, work hard, and give myself plenty of breaks to enjoy this amazing city I'm in. I wouldn't want my next post to be titled "Revenge of the Twitchy Eyelid."

Sunrise from my window

That's all for now. I hope it won't be quite so long between this and my next post, but with what I'm calling "Hell Week" (three major projects due in three consecutive days) only a month away, it's very probable the next post won't happen until after that. So perhaps my usual sign-off is a bit silly, but I'm going to do it anyway...

Stay informed. -NLD

Wipe the Suds Away

I don't mean to burst my own bubble, really, but this first week of class has been more one of downs than ups. Part of that, I think, has just been getting back into the swing of rigorous coursework. But there's more to it. So here are the lowlight highlights:

Sunday was laundry day. Exciting. I know. But it was a little too exciting when the cap to my laundry detergent got cracked and a puddle of lavender scented soap seeped its way to existence in the bottom of my wardrobe. I caught it before it made too big of a mess but the clothes I had in my mesh hamper got soaked through with the sudsy substance. I rinsed them out as best I could, but I'm still not entire sure what to do with them. What I think happened with the cap is I'd had the bottle of detergent in the bottom of my hamper and when I set it down after getting back from putting my dirty laundry in the wash, I must have let the hamper fall a little too hard, so the cap cracked. On the bright side, my room smells a lovely scent of lavender now.

Monday was the first day of classes and it as well as it could have. I managed to find all of my classrooms, the professors were interesting to listen to, and I've found several friends in each of my classes. But the excitement of the first day was overshadowed by my uncertainty over which classes to enroll in. I was torn between taking a 20-credit class that I think would be pretty easy but is a prerequisite for a class I want to take next semester or taking two 10-credit classes that are likely to be very difficult but extremely interesting and very relevant to my specialism (Machine Learning). Plus, like I said in my last post, the registration system here works very differently from what I was used to back in the States. I "selected" my courses via an online course planning system but had no confirmation I was actually registered for the classes I wanted. Which is probably okay since I changed my mind so much anyway. Finally, yesterday (21/9), I got confirmation of my classes for the year. In the end I decided to make things hard for myself. I went with the two challenging 10-credit classes. Also, for the class I wanted to take next semester, I have been able to get the prerequisite waived since the 20-credit class is similar to one I took as an undergraduate. And just to make things even harder for myself, I'm still planning to attend the lectures for the 20-credit class and do the coursework for it where I'm able--time permitting--because I think the review will be good preparation for the more advanced class next semester. All that being said, I know that I will learn a lot and it will totally be worth it! ...As long as I don't fail anything.

With all the math intensive classes I'm taking this semester, I wanted to spend Tuesday and Wednesday reviewing the many topics and equations I've learned over the years but seem to have floated from my mind -- a bit like bubbles. I remembered a lot of the basic concepts, but the problem sets/exercises I forced myself to do were challenging, frustrating, and eventually resulted in me moving on to something else. I don't feel as comfortable with the math as I feel like I should feel, but I'm determined to press on and challenge myself, and I'm wondering if this might just be a case of impostor syndrome. I think I'll just have to have another go and take each problem a little slower in smaller chunks so I don't overwhelm myself. After all, I have until April/May to prepare for exams. Yep, that's right! My exams--even for Semester 1 classes--are all at the end of Semester 2. Welcome to the UK University system! So if you're planning to visit me between March and June... I'll be in the library.

That's about it for this week. Sorry I don't have any pictures. I didn't think you'd want to see an off-white, opaque puddle of laundry detergent. But now that I've wiped the suds away, I'm left with a very clean and very nice smelling wardrobe. In another sense, once I've wiped the suds of a lazy summer from my mind and can get back to a clean slate, ready to be scribbled all over, I'm ready to learn. And if the suds start creeping up out of the shower drain, I just have to remember where I am--I'm in freaking Edinburgh!!--and I'm left with a cleaner, shinier, more perfect picture of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Stay informed. -NLD

My First Week in Edinburgh, Part II

Where's Part I, you ask? It's in my previous post, The Lull? Uh, bye: Before the Storm, but I couldn't be bothered to change the title. So here's the continuation of my first week in Edinburgh.

Tuesday 13/9
After all the walking I did and big meal on Monday, I used Tuesday morning to sleep in and relax. It's quite possibly one of the last times I will be able to do so all year, so I appreciated being able to take things a little slower. Especially since that afternoon I went to the Postgraduate Welcome event, where current and former students talked about what it means to be a student at the University of Edinburgh. It was good to get that perspective but it was also a little daunting; from what they said--one of them an Informatics student--it's definitely going to be a stressful year. But I've already made (and caught up with) so many wonderful friends, that I know we can help each other through it and come out the other side stronger, more capable human beings... with a higher blood-alcohol content. I say that mostly in jest, but with all the pubs and bars in Edinburgh, it might be a fairly accurate assumption. Also, that night I went to one of the bars and met my friend from Norway for a trivia night and a couple drinks. Despite many of the questions being meant for residents of the UK, we won 2nd place and a bottle of wine! Woo!

Wednesday 14/9

Informatics Forum interior

After staying up rather late the night before, I wasn't particularly keen to get up for the Informatics Welcome event but did anyway. And I was glad I did! It was wonderful to meet so many people doing the same course as me and interested in the same specialisms. It makes registering for classes a little scary, especially since the registration system here is so different from at my old university. I didn't "officially" pick my classes until a few days ago, and even now (as I'm writing this on Saturday) I'm not so sure I'm registered. They tell us it's all done automatically through the online system I've been using but I haven't seen any official confirmation or anything about class size or if there's a limit to the number of students who can take it or what. And from the people I've talked to it sounds like they're almost as confused as I am. I'll just hope for the best and stay flexible.

Thursday 15/9
I woke up planning to climb Arthur's Seat but one look out the window at a wall of fog halted those plans. So instead I went to lunch with a friend I bumped into on my way to the restaurant. Later that afternoon I went to a talk on the UK job market and applying for jobs. (Don't worry, mother. I'm still planning to come home after my studies.) The fog was pretty much gone by the time the talk got over at 16:30 so I decided I would go climb Arthur's Seat but wanted to be back in time for Mid-autumn Mooncake festival held in the house common room. So I ended up essentially running up Arthur's Seat and all around Salisbury Crags. I did so because I wanted to have plenty of time to just sit and enjoy the view and sunset from the highest point in Edinburgh. Instead of trying to describe it, here are some pictures:

My building from Arthur's Seat.

Arthur's Seat from my building.

Birth Place of Modern Geology -- It is here, from the years 1726-1797 that James Hutton looked at these rock formations
and said, "Huh, that's interesting." And determined that the rocks had been formed from molten material.

From the top of Arthur's Seat

Friday 16/9
Again I took it pretty slow in the morning but was jolted into action when the fire alarm went off... and kept going off. It wasn't a drill. In addition to student housing, my building has apartments people can rent for short amounts of time. And it was apparently in one of these apartments that somebody burnt some toast. So everybody--many of us still in our pyjamas--had to stumble outside and wait for the fire brigade to come and tell us it was okay to go back inside. The rest of the day was much less eventful. I just went to a meeting with my Personal Tutor for Informatics, which really is just a fancy name for an advisor. Then that night in the common room, the RAs put on a movie night with free pizza! The movie, The Angels' Share, was very Scottish and quite good.

Saturday 17/9
Today I hiked up Arthur's Seat again with a bunch of people from my building. Even though I'd just done it a couple days ago, the weather was perfect! Plus, I'm not sure how much exercise I'll get the rest of the year so I need to get it while I can. We came down from Arthur's Seat a different way, so I still got to see something new--the ruins of St. Anthony's Chapel. I'm planning to go to a movie--Kingsman: The Secret Service--a bit later in the Old College Quad and after that maybe a jazz bar with some friends. But that's about it for today.

The white spiky building on the left is Scottish Parliament,
on the right is Holyrood Palace, where the Queen stays when in Scotland,
and in the background you can see Edinburgh Castle on the left and Carlton Hill on the right.

You're all caught up! With classes starting on Monday, I'm not sure when I'll next be able to post. I'm hoping to put an update up every couple of weeks but, if I get swamped with coursework, it might be longer than that. But until whenever that is...

Stay informed. -NLD

The Lull? Uh, bye: Before the Storm

I've been in Edinburgh for almost a week now and there's barely been time to take a breath. So here's the blow-by-blow of what I've been up to since arriving in Edinburgh.

Sunday 11/9

View of Edinburgh Castle from The Elephant House --
I wonder if it's this exact view, from my exact seat,
that inspired Hogwarts. Probably not. But one can dream.

After breakfast at a little place just down the road, I went to pick up my Biometric Residence Permit (BRP), open a bank account, wander around the International Welcome event, and then explore campus. There's a lot of construction going on right now, which is rather annoying, especially because one of the main Informatics buildings is one of those being worked on and it won't be done until after I'm done (Dangit! Guess I'll just have to stay for a PhD. Just kidding. Or am I? Probably. I don't know. I'll figure it out eventually). Despite the scaffolding and noise, I'm still awed by the architecture and old buildings, not just on campus, but all over the city.

Once I'd gotten a good feel for the campus, I wondered up towards the Royal Mile and Edinburgh Castle. I went as far as the castle ticket booth but didn't fancy waiting in line or spending £16.50 so I turned around and went off in search of a café. A very specific café. The Elephant House--birth place of Harry Potter and all around very nice place. After a cuppa tea and some short cake, I went back to campus and explored the library. After that it was time to head back to my flat for a quick mo before the residence hall rules and regulations meeting. After that a few of us went out to a pub just around the corner. And what do ya know, one of the other students I met there is also from Minnesota! Small world!

Monday 12/9

I started my day by going to register with the National Health Service (NHS). After that I spent much of the rest of the day catching up with a friend from my Norwegian class at the International Summer School in Oslo. I didn't know it until about a month ago, but she is also getting her Master's at the University of Edinburgh. Really small world! She showed me around north of the train station and after wandering up and down Princes Street and Rose Street, we stopped for ice cream next to the Edinburgh Festival Wheel, which was in the process of being taken down. From there we walked up to Carlton Hill, which has one of the best views of Edinburgh. It was very windy so we didn't stay too long and instead found some coffee to stave off the afternoon slump. Both sufficiently caffeinated, we each went our own way, I to pick up a few things for my flat, and she to pick up a bus card.

For dinner that evening I went to a residence hall event celebrating the start of Eid al-Adha, an Islamic holiday honouring Ibrahim's (Abraham's) willingness to sacrifice his son for God. The food was excellent and very spicy--something many of the international students less accustomed to spice struggled with, though I commend them for powering through. Better than the food was the conversation and lesson on what the holiday is about, given from both from a Christian and Muslim perspective. It showed that despite what the media presents to us and the twisted ideals of radicals, these two religions, seemingly so often at odds with one another, are not so different. In fact, they are based on many of the same people and beliefs and share many of the lessons scriptures or stories are meant to teach us. In the context of the community I'm living in, all the students here are from many different backgrounds and religions, yet we all share this space and are here to support one another. In a wider context, we all share this planet and must do what we can do preserve it for future generations. It will not come easy. We will have to make sacrifices, whether it's sacrificing a postgraduate student's valuable time to help keep shared living spaces clean, sacrificing your pride to admit that maybe you were wrong, sacrificing your life to protect those you love, or innumerable other sacrifices. Sacrifice is part of living, of leading a peaceful, fulfilling, effectual life. But it's never easy, which is why there's so much to learn from Ibrahim/Abraham and why I know this year of graduate school will be one of the most challenging of my life. As challenging as it will be for the sacrifices I will have to make (probably mostly sleep), I know that it will also be one of the most rewarding.

Since classes start on Monday, I had hoped to get caught up to today. But this post is long enough already so I'll leave it here. So, lucky you! You can expect at least one more post before my life is consumed by coursework. Just know, from this post and the post to come, that there is no lull before the storm. With the people I meet and adventures I have, I will make the most of my free time in Edinburgh before it gets swallowed up by reading and rainy weather. You can probably expect the wrap-up to my first week in Edinburgh either Saturday or Sunday. Until then...

Stay informed. -NLD