It had long since gotten dark by the time we arrived in Linköping around 17:00, about two hours after leaving Stockholm. This was December in Sweden, after all. I settled into the quiet corner bedroom out of which my 4th cousin so graciously moved so that I might use it. Before long it was time for dinner--a roasted chicken breast and Cajun rice dish, I think... (Give me a break! It's been three months). After dinner, we sat around chatting while waiting for my other cousin--the one who visited Seattle last Spring--to get home from work. By time the time she did it was a little after 20:00. Everyone was tired from walking around Stockholm or working all day, so, after hugs of greeting and an hour of conversation over herbal tea, we all drifted to our own rooms for a good night's rest. And let me tell you: an open window to let the clean cold Swedish air in and a pair of thick wool socks to stop it from stiffening your toes makes for the best night's sleep.
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| Linköpings domkryka. |
The day after was New Year's Eve, and I was perfectly content sitting around doing not much of anything. It had been a busy year. And I spent the last day of it being markedly not busy. Perhaps that's part of the reason I had a complete freaking melt-down and have had to spend the past three and a half months processing, trying to figure out how best to write about it. So here goes.
For me, the last day of the year is always a particularly contemplative one. It's a time to reflect upon the last 364 days, appreciate the challenges I have overcome, celebrate my accomplishments and the accomplishments of those I care about, and look forward to another year of new goals, new challenges, and new adventures. All of that was derailed by none other than (you guessed it!) anxiety.
I do not blame my host for suggesting I attend a New Year's Eve dinner party a few of her friends put on every year. I do not blame myself for not being more assertive and saying I didn't really feel up to going. I do not blame my host for asking if I was going to change clothes, resulting in my subsequent shame for not having packed a suit, tie, and dress shoes in the 46-litre travel backpack I had been living out of for the last 3 weeks. I blame anxiety.
At times, blaming anxiety can feel like such a cop-out; like I'm shoving things entirely within my own control, onto a medical disorder just to justify my mistakes in hindsight. However, very few moments in my life have felt as out of control as those leading up to and during the Linköping New Year's Eve Bash.
The downward spiral started with my lack of dress clothes, specifically my lack of dress shoes. Of course, I doubt very much anyone cared what was on my feet. But, in that moment, all I could see were the bulky, muddy hiking shoes I'd been wearing for the last three weeks. I tried to laugh it off and made a joke about them being my "dancing shoes," but then immediately realised that I had only drawn attention to my bulky shoes and became even more uncomfortable. Yet I persisted in being polite. So I followed my family and their friends, and then also their friends, and, before long, it felt like I was following half the town to Flygets Hus ("Aviation House")--an old Swedish Air Force officer building converted into a clubhouse used for events such as this--where the other half of town was already partying. Most certainly an exaggeration, but, to an already self-doubt-ridden Neal, the real number of at least 90 was a thousand notably-better-dressed, unfamiliar, foreign-language-speaking people closing in on all sides. The bars of my mental cage closed in until my heart was pounding and I was literally trembling, rocking back and forth in my chair, attempting to curl up in the fetal position without anyone noticing, all while trying to act normal and finish my dessert.
The host of the party must have noticed (from the opposite side of the room) because he came over, sat in the empty seat across from me, and proceeded to ask simple questions, "What year are you in school? What do you study? etc." It was the most brilliant display of perspicacity and patience I think I've ever experienced. The first question took my attention away from the monster raging in my head. The second question was simple enough to have an automatic answer, detailed enough to get me thinking again, and came with enough follow-up comments or questions to start a conversation I was interested in. After five minutes, I was completely calm.
I'm guessing his training as an Air Force fighter pilot had something to do with his ability to identify a panic attack and know how to handle it. My night was certainly much more enjoyable after that, but what worked for me may not work for everyone. So here are a few short term and long term general practices for helping someone through anxiety. And because not everyone is a trained fighter pilot, here's a list of symptoms to help identify panic attacks.
Although I calmed down, I still did not feel up to dancing in my dancing shoes, so I left as soon as the dinner tables were cleared. The rest of the night / year was spent sipping wine and munching on marzipan chocolates in the quiet, calming company of family. There are few ways of ringing in a New Year, that I can think of, that would be better than that.
I left my dancing shoes at the door to 2017 and began the New Year filled with an inner peace. Despite an early rough patch in the dancing surface, my dancing shoes have given me no further trouble. I am hopeful that 2017 will be the year I conquer my anxiety.
To round-off my time in Linköping, my second cousin twice removed came to visit and took me to the Swedish Air Force Museum just down the road. It was fascinating hearing all of his stories and I am so thankful he took the time to share them with me. And to all of my Swedish relatives who I stayed with or who came to visit: Thank you! I cannot thank you enough for the kindness and good ol' Swedish hospitality you showed me. Though my New Year may be memorable for the wrong reasons, my bad experience has helped me grow as a person. So for that, again, I say "Thank you!" I look forward to visiting again (I hope) soon.
So that's it. That's the end of my holiday travels. I won't make any more promises about when my next blog post will be, but I can say that I already have two more in the works. One will discuss my second semester at the University of Edinburgh. The other (much more current) post will chronicle my present adventures through Slovakia and Hungary. Until then, I'll leave you with this picture I took on a hike up Salisbury Crags that was pivotal in helping me overcome the previously mentioned rough patch.
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| When the world seems to be collapsing around you, it helps to get up real high so you can see how big and beautiful it actually is. |
And, as always...
Stay informed. -NLD
